Therapeutic Music

                                                           Therapeutic Music

       As is common among those with disabilities, I find certain music quite therapeutic. There are a few select songs that particularly evoke strong emotions, for varying reasons. The thing that connects them all is that I find a way to relate them to myself and my experiences. When I associate a specific song with a certain memory listening to the song almost makes me relive it. This can have both positive and negative outcomes, but even when it comes to negativity its cathartic to listen in the same way that crying is. On days when I’m already in a lot of pain, I listen to a song, and relive the memory. It can even make me cry on occasion, especially when I am exhausted from a bad sleep. With all this in mind, I’m going to share the song that currently sits at the top of this list of several songs, The Humbling River. For me it’s not even so much about the quality of the music as it is about the ways I relate to them. I’ll write down the lyrics and explain how they’re connected. Here’s the Youtube video link for the song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0YxeTjFn70

               

                                                      The Humbling River

Nature nurture heaven and home, Sum of all and by them driven: My motivations are primarily centered on both my family my friends, their support, and simply who I am.

To conquer every mountain shown, But I’ve never crossed the river: I’ve persisted through challenges large and small yet there’s still so much I’m still unable to do.

Brave the forests, braved the stone, Braved the icy winds and fire: This represents the physical side to my pain, especially the fiery burn I often get in my shoulder.

Braved and beat them on my own, Yet I’m helpless by the river: This depends on your perspective. What I mean by that is that I have massive support from friends and family but at the end of the day I’m the one who has to face the pain, no one can share that burden and so there’s again so much I can’t do.

Angel, angel what have I done? I’ve faced the quakes, the wind, the fire. I've conquered country, crown, and throne, Why can't I cross this river: “What have I done” references my suicide attempts and is also a good description of my current thoughts on those attempts in hindsight. What have I done?

Pay no mind to the battles you've won, It'll take a lot more than rage and muscle: It doesn’t matter what I’ve accomplished in the past, securing the future requires new tactics. Before I received my diagnosis I was considered crazy. Before deciding to end of my life I tried to escape my situation in two ways: muscle and rage. First I tried muscle, meaning I thought maybe my pain would go away if I simply got strong enough. I would quite literally run around the block over and over again in a desperate attempt to strengthen my legs. I did this for about a week and it only made my pain worse, so I gave up on that and turned to the only thing I had left: Rage. When I was at my worst point I had a breakdown of fury mostly aimed towards my doctors. It involved screaming and pounding on the ground. My dog came up to me to see what was wrong so my parents quickly moved her away. Simply witnessing this action blew all the fight out of me. I would never in a million years hurt me dog even in that state but the fact others were worried I might even for a second was depressing, and so rage turned to sadness. Obviously these incidents weren’t particularly helpful either, which is when I turned to overdosing.

Open your heart and hands my son, or you’ll never make it over the river: This represents the need for myself to open up my experiences to others, partially so they can help me deal with any future unpleasant experiences. I must also be willing to accept help to make it through this.

It'll take a lot more than words and guns, A whole lot more than riches and muscle: I tried using words to describe my pains with my doctors so we could figure out how to manage them. That also didn’t pan out how I had hoped. As for the gun, as I mentioned in a previous chapter, that was what I decided my next method to die would be. Thankfully I never went through with that plan.
We also tried throwing money at the problem. While there are services crucial for functioning I have to pay for, in general money will only get you so far. I need weekly therapeutic massages to keep my leg pain under control, and insurance only partly covers this. We paid $1000 for a pharmacogenetics test which ended up being totally worthless. The test couldn't explain my medication problems. There's a chance that pharmacokinetics might give us some answers (why I need to take so many pills for such a small effect) but that's  $10 000. We're going to wait to see what the EDS specialists at the new clinic recommend. We tried paying naturopaths, osteopaths, and physiotherapists. Only the physiotherapy made any difference, but in strength, not pain. I need medical marijuana to fall asleep and this is incredibly expensive since I need enough for every night, not to mention the vaporizer. Money has mostly allowed me to maintain the status quo but it can't make my pain any better. 

The hands of the many must join as one, And together we'll cross the river: I won’t survive if I go it alone. I need the help of friends and family and shouldn’t be afraid to admit that.

Nature, nurture heaven and home, And together we'll cross the river: As long as I maintain these motivations and work together with others, much more can be achieved.

           With so many emotions brought out by re-experiencing such strong memories it can sometimes be overwhelming, but I’m determined not to run away from my own memories. It’s a step away from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, where sounds or sights associated with traumatic memories can trigger flashbacks; the main difference being that my memories aren’t immersive in the same way as an actual flashback. It’s more about reflecting on my choices and horrible experiences rather than actually fully reliving them.